Rebuilding after a storm doesn’t undo its passage

I know what needs to be done, and how to do it. It’s a good place to be, pragmatically speaking.

But I’m roughly a decade behind on myself. That’s roughly what transphobia and related bullshit’s cost me (so far?). Between getting disowned by my family, the time spent saving up for chest reconstruction (there was no health insurance available where I lived to cover it at the time), staying at job X to afford my hysto, the job I took for benefits and income to get me through lower surgeries,  the year wasted waiting to be seen at the GIC, the other year wasted fulfilling SOC v6’s requirement for RLE, years after I’d started T and legally changed all my ID, the year spent chasing after a surgical administrator to do his job, all of sending the damn price list to my insurance, while convincing my insurance not to cancel the coverage, the list goes on.

I get upset whenever someone suggests my life today is unaffected by transition because that’s in the past. The strain in many family relationships are for the rest of my life. The things I did to afford transition have ripple effect to this day. I’m putting in a lot more time and effort to learn now than I did 10+ years ago. The upshot, if I make it through school, is transition should be done costing me precious time. But survival doesn’t repair family relationships, pay back debt, or make one’s body age slower. To say nothing of the physiological impact on donor sites and other none temporal related costs.

It is what it is. I wish more people who know my medical history, including trans guys earlier in their process, understood its impact is ongoing not neatly over and settled. There are reasons I keep in touch with trans older friends that have nothing to do with an inability to cease advocacy*, surgical complications or some other thing judged negatively by those who insist there is such a thing as my reaching a point at which I won’t think about my transness here and there, and only then will I have “finished” transition, because the goal must be to no longer be trans. (Eh… not possible. And that’s ok.)

Thank goodness for amazing friends. Here’s to whenever there will be less horizontal hostility among trans men, fewer  justifications for creating space for trans older folks, and the end of bullshit arguments around when/how I’m “more authentic” that pointlessly revolve around disclosure.
*as though it’s problematic to contribute towards the world becoming a better place… I’m grateful to those who paved the way before my time, and that I was raised to value community not just my individualism. But it seems in vogue once again to demonise social justice advocacy despite how we all benefit when there’s less suffering in the world.

One thought on “Rebuilding after a storm doesn’t undo its passage

  1. Pingback: Changes in behaviour or psychology | Life Post-Dysphoria

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